Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
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i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
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I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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