Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
