Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
