: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
