nut hugger
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
