ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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