Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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