im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
should my penis look like a turkey
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
