you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.