Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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