Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
