Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
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you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
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I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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