apparently the secret to your success is patron
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
