Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
