If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
