I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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