I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
