we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
