Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
