a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
