I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
