I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
