I want to have your abortion
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
