Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
