Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
