happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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