I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
