I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
