I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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