nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
