What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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