You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Those nachos came to me in a dream
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
