I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
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I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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