he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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