he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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