She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
