I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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