I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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