I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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