i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
