Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Sorry about my life...
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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