She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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