Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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