Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap