if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???