God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
