I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize