I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
