my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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