I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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