im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
40s are totally the cure
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
