you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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