why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
