I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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