dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
if only i could text you this smell
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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