i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
