I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
