it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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