Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
