I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
