I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
this just has baby written all over it
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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