Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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