a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
