i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
