walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I skipped work to stalk him.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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