I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
